Why do we punish our loved ones?

Have you ever wondered why we react the way we do when we are "in a bad mood"? It is not uncommon that an unpleasant experience gets to us and then we spent some time (variable from seconds to weeks) in an altered emotional state that frequently leads to overreaction, lack of tact and disregard for everyone else's feelings. But the most surprising part is that, in the occasions where the source of the frustration is a person, they are the less susceptible to suffer the consequences of the bad temper. Indeed, it is normally the inability to vent steam in front of a "sensitive person" or a situation, that drives our frustration, to the big detriment of all the passersby.

 In the best of cases, our unlucky loved ones find themselves facing a enraged horned beast that would simply trample their feelings if they are found in the way. In these cases, staying out of the way of the infuriated person is normally enough to avoid problems. They are just not in a position to provide a commensurate response to the stimuli they receive, so avoiding being the source of such stimuli pretty much avoids the problem.

Photo: pxfuel

A completely different league are the situations where the affected person literally "goes looking for trouble". In those cases the infuriated person feels so powerless that they desperately need to find a way to change that, and the easiest way to do that is finding someone weak that will pose no threat to them, and over which they can exert their control. This is a typical case of domestic abusers, who prey on their partners or their children. Curiously enough, abuse is often presented as "teaching a lesson" to the victim, who is allegedly guilty of some minor infraction, while it is usually the other way around: the abuser need to verify by their own hand that they are capable of controlling something. If we look it from that point of view, it is like putting your fist through the wall or smashing objects on the floor: neither the wall nor the other objects will ever learn anything, but you will possibly demonstrate to yourself that you can do it. The sad part is that, in most cases, the loved ones are premium targets for the rage, because they are always there and most of the time they have nowhere to hide.

This afternoon Jason had a brief episode of wild rage when the game he was playing went awry and starting to shout to the top his voice. When I went upstairs to check on him, he yelled at me in a very impolite way, completely out of line, but knowing him it was clear to me that calling him to order would only unleash an even greater fury. Fortunately, he most of the time he is aware of when he goes beyond the acceptable and just a few minutes later he came down to apologize for his behavior. I asked him why he reacted like that and he confirmed that it was nothing against me, he just was not in a disposition to have a serene discussion so all he actually was asking for (in an admittedly rude way) was to have some to to calm down.

Managing our feelings is not easy in general, and it gets even worse when we feel temporarily helpless. It can be acceptable in these circumstances to have a stronger reaction, as long as it does not enter the range of verbal abuse. Setting the right boundaries is an essential part of understanding and loving one another, even if it is your own child. It would be better if nobody got upset enough to elicit those feelings, but second best solution is learning to cope with them together. Have a nice evening.