We are all influencers (on some level)

It happens all the time: you are browsing through a store of walking down a street and you cross paths with someone you know you know, but you cannot put your finger on it. Thinking deeper, you seem to remember the transactional nature of your interactions, so you reach the conclusion that he must be one of the clerks at the pharmacy or the sports goods shop, maybe a waiter in one of the pubs you have recently visited. Unfortunately, if that is the case, the chance that he would recognize you back are very slim: sales representatives and personalities of that kind tend to retain clear impressions of the customers while the sale is taking place, but then they necessarily wipe the memory away to make room for the next one. It happens to me whenever I give a talk in front of a big audience: I have no problem remembering the faces during the round of questions or even later in the day if there is an informal gathering, but by the morning after (and not necessarily linked to the consumption of alcohol) most of the faces will be significantly blurred, when not completely gone.

This idea reminded me of a recent episode in "Hidden Brain", one of the podcasts that I regularly listen to. The episode, called "The Influence You Have: Why We Fail To See Our Power Over Others", points out, among other things, how sensitive we are to the pressure we experience, particularly from people to which we assign authority (parents, teachers, managers). We are sensitive to it because we are on the receiving end of it, so it modifies our behavior or at least taint it with the bitterness of guilt if we decide to hold our ground. For the person exerting the pressure, on the other hand, it is part of their line of action, regardless of whether it is a conscious or unconscious pressure: not only it does not require a change of action, but it actually supports the original plan.

Photo: USAF staff Sgt. Jason Webb

This asymmetry in the perception of the influence we have on others is pervasive. The podcast reports the people running a survey systematically predicts a much lower rate of success in having questionnaires filled than they actually get when they undertake the task. And this type of non-transitive influence happens in all places and at all ages.

When growing up, I fit mostly in the nerdy type: thin, tall, wearing glasses, a bit absent minded, a bit brainiac, and much more comfortable in a one-to-one environment than in a bigger group. In my class there were one or two cliques, but I never became part of any of them. To some extent, I looked up to them, but I was never ready to compromise my independence, so I floated around like a free electron, occasionally joining in some of their activities but mostly on my own. On the other side, there was a significant group of people that I mostly oversaw: they never engaged me and at the time I did not find any reason to approach them either, so I was happy to live and let live. I thought we were just treading parallel paths, but I was wrong.

Recently, a former class mate reached out to me on Facebook. I had never had any serious interaction with her, but under the current circumstances of isolation I have also sought the solace of old acquaintances, and I thought that it would never hurt to exchange a few messages and remember "the good old times", so I accepted her friendship request and wrote back to her:

• What an unexpected pleasure! It is great to hear from you. How are things? I have not heard your name probably since the last century :-)
• I, on the other hand, remember you keenly and I have told about you to my kids many times. I have always found you very interesting.
• ...

I felt flattered and ashamed at the same time. It is great to hear that you caused a great impression in someone, but when that comes just after you have admitted not having devoted a single thought to that person in the last twenty years, it is a bit embarrassing. Looking back I remember that she was always on the goofy side, almost childish for her age, a late bloomer, and I was very troubled having deep thoughts and fixing the problems of the world, so I never had the time or the occasion of getting to know her in any depth. 

It is possible that the pandemic will now give me a chance to fix that oversight, but the one thing that it has confirmed is that I was a bit of an influencer too (even if the term was not going to be coined for another 20 years). Have a good week.