Unhappily ever after

Some people just seem never to be unhappy enough: even after they have been thinking over something that went wrong in the past and explaining their regrets, they somehow manage to find ominous forebodings that some upcoming event will also be a wreck. In 1983, Paul Watzlawick wrote the powerful satire of "The Situation is Hopeless, But Not Serious: the Pursuit of Unhappiness" as a self-help book for those we always wanted to be unhappy and never managed to. One of his five famous axioms states that "every communication has a content and a relation aspect, such that the latter classifies the former and is therefore metacommunication". In layman terms this means that the history and the situation in which a communication happens provide a context, which is very powerful. In his book, Watzlawick explains the story of the hammer:

A man wants to hang a painting. He has the nail, but not the hammer. therefore it occurs to him to go over to the neighbor and ask him to lend him his hammer.

But at this point, doubt sets in. What if he doesn’t want to lend me the hammer? Yesterday he barely spoke to me. Maybe he was in a hurry. Or, perhaps, he holds something against me. But why? I didn’t do anything to him.
If he would ask me to lend him something, I would, at once. How can he refuse to lend me his hammer? People like him make other people’s life miserable. Worst, he thinks that I need him because he has a hammer. This has got to stop!
And suddenly the guy runs to the neighbor’s door, rings, and before letting him say anything, he screams: “you can keep your hammer, you bastard!”

In this example, the history that the man builds in his head provides a context that would justify his actions if it had been true. Of course, the flip side is the positive psychology, which I have always found unjustified and delusional, because thinking that good things will happen to you is simply not enough to make them happen, just as the tale of The milkmaid and her pail tells us. In either case, it is important to keep your expectations at bay, not being overly pessimistic (or optimistic) about how the situation will evolve, but also in the opposite direction.

Photo: Cassi Zamor

I have to admit with a sort of heavy heart that both Jason and Trevor tend to fall on the pessimistic side, particularly when there is something in planning that they do not find appealing a priori. Over the weekend, we paid a visit to the friend that shared a mountain cottage with us in the summer. The plan was to celebrate together the new year, eat seasonal sweets and play games together. For two days, Trevor was agonizing about it, claiming that he was going to be bore himself to death and asking to stay at home. In the past we have occasionally left our kids behind when visiting, but the celebratory nature of this occasion required everyone's attendance. Luckily, Jason was totally onboard, so we had a great time in the main room. Trevor, on the other side, is worshiped by the little boy in the other family, so he was dragged around the house, showing the new action figures and fossils that Santa Claus had delivered and, to his disappointment, he also had a decently amusing time.

Of course, this kind of attitude can easily turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy, as in the story of the hammer: if you come in an unsuitable mood the chances that the situation will derail are very high. It is remarkable that Trevor used to be much more willing to comply, taking a No for an answer like a good sport and knowing when to push his points. I guess this is all due to the hormones, because Jason also had a period like that, so hopefully the grumpiness will be gone (if not totally at least a big chunk of it) in a couple of years. And also hopefully I will have enough patience to survive until then. Enjoy the week!