Too much help is no help at all

There is common narrative in the whole western world, but particularly in northern Europe and the US, about how many successful business men (because yes, they are mostly men) raised out poverty by their own means and without any help. This vision is significantly flawed, because the rule of law as instituted by the national and regional or state government is a great help. Furthermore, all the public services (administration, police, education, transportation, utility distribution networks) are essential not only for the education of the entrepreneur and the successful establishment of a business, but also for granting him access to a huge base of clients that are the core of any business. In fact, it is always a point of certain irritation that, in spite of the state-to-state differences, a US business has pretty much unrestricted and equal access to a market of more than 300 million consumers, whereas European have to squeeze the way into 20 or more different markets, each with their own language and regulations.

But there is another blind spot with respect to getting help: many of those who claim to have clawed their way up the ladder openly admit that they would not have been able to do it without their parents' support, who allowed them to live above the garage and work without pay for five years in the IT start-up; or the care their neighbor provided for the small child, while the parent was traveling to professional fairs to make their product known; of the no-strings-attached loan from a friend, that was the seed money for the business. All these are forms of help, even if the word itself seems to be taboo, so it is dressed with other terms. Because the truth is that we all end up needing help at one point or another, and sometimes the difference between success and failure is the ability to get help (and not everyone has the same opportunities to get help).

Photo: Mike & Kala Larsen

On the other hand, it is also true that an excess of help can be very damaging. It is a well-known fact that the children of the newly rich tend to be spoiled and helpless in many ways: their well-intended parents, having suffered a lot to achieve economic prosperity, sometimes tend to pave the way of their kids with money, so they never get to learn its value or the true meaning of effort. Growing up I always tried to help around the house, making the beds on the weekend (on school days they air in the room was still thick by the time I had to leave), setting up and clearing the table, filling and emptying the dishwasher, etc., but still by the time I had to move to my own apartment I was scared about the many things that I had never done before. The rental contract for the flat, the utilities, setting up a bank account, the health insurance, were all tasks that I had never done before. Fortunately, I had practice with many other chores, so by the time I had to face them I was confident enough that, even if I had to take it slow in the beginning, it would not exceed my capacities. And I still am very thankful to my parents for pushing me to do all these things that they could have done for me, because they chose to give me the opportunity to learn.

There is a second type of unfortunate help which is particularly salient during economic crises and holiday seasons: people who, having proven that they are perfectly capable of living on their own as adults, move temporarily (because of the holidays or because they are "between jobs") under the same roof as their parents and are suddenly transformed in helpless teenagers again: the parents (mostly the mother) cook, clean, do the shopping and the laundry for them so that they can "focus" on their own plans. While this well-intended hotel-like regime certainly alleviates the amount of work, it can be problematic in the sense that it removes all the run-of-the-mill tasks that can be easily completed, leaving for the son or the daughter only the "hard stuff" of buying the Christmas presents or finding a job. And that means that, every night that they go to bed without having cashed in some amount of success in these hard tasks counts as a lost day. And that is not good for anyone's mental health.

A couple of years ago I head this story by Admiral William McRaven, who points out how beneficial it is to carefully make your bed every morning. In the Navy SEAL training there are a lot of things that can go wrong on a single day, but if you start by making your bed you can start the day with a +1 in your scoreboard and even if the rest of the day goes really south, you can always congratulate you for sticking to your morning routine.

I have thought about this today because I fear I might be helping Karen too much these months. The flexible working agenda means that I can get the kids on their way to school, do the shopping in the evening and even get the laundry going most of the days. I do this to allow her to focus on her graphic design job, but there are days where there is nothing to do or the inspiration does not come. I had not realized that, by taking so much of the housework off her shoulders I have frequently been depriving her of the opportunity to feel proud of herself at the end of the day. It was done with the best of my intentions, but it was still wrong. I will try to keep doing some of the stuff, but stay under her command so that she can also share on the feeling of achievement. I hope you also have something to show at the end of your day. Have a nice evening.