How do you talk to "them"?

My friend Jerzy is an unabashed brainiac: he loves science, he can learn countless factoids and whatever subject is at hand, and he is used to being the smartest person in the room. However, this also makes for some occasional difficulties when talking to people: those who share his interests have no problem to connect with him but those with a different view often have a hard time to enjoy a chat with him. And the feeling is reciprocal, because he does not find much pleasure in it either.

Just a few weeks ago, after mentioning how much fun he had discussing with me, because I was a resourceful and interested person ready to debate any issue, he asked me how often I talked to "normal" people. He obviously referred to less intellectually gifted people, but I did not ask him to confirm it explicitly to spare ourselves the awkwardness (maybe it would not have been awkward for him). Instead I told him that, due to the pandemic, my daily relationships were essentially limited to my direct family and my colleagues, none of which happen to fall in that category of normal: the institute is full of brilliant scientists and engineers, Karen is equally gifted in art and humanities, and both Trevor and Jason have inherited inquisitive minds and avid eyes, so I have the incredible luck of being able to find interesting conversations in every corner of my life (including him).

Photo: V Threepio

Jerzy's colleagues, on the other hand, are, by his own description, struggling zombies, barely able to fulfill in a whole week some maintenance tasks which he can dispatch within a day. His wife, being a charming and beautiful lady, has never had the impulse to pursue intellectual exploits so, even if she has been successfully running her own small business for years (and perhaps because of that), whenever they have time together in the evening she does not have the energy or the interest to engage in the deep thoughts required for a meaningful debate. This causes a lot of frustration in my friend, because with a job that does not reward him much beyond the simple wages, debating is his hobby and his passion, and his wife's dismissive reaction robs him of the little things he has to enjoy life these months.

Reflecting on the situation and trying to compare it with my own (particularly when I still went regularly to the office) I realized that he might be failing to establish a real communication, which requires, unavoidably, both the interest of the listener and a common language that both can understand. When Jerzy insists on explain the black holes to his wife, he fails on both counts: she is probably not interested in learning and even if she were he would probably be unable to explain them in terms that she can understand. The communication just cannot take place.

One solution that normally works for me is trying to actually show interest for the other person. It is understandable that, for someone with a scientific background, the world of fashion, jewelry and cosmetics where Jerzy's wife deals might not be terribly exciting, but I still think that someone as smart as him can figure out an interesting approach to any matter: from the manufacturing processes of the clothes, to the lab testing of the creams and blushes, there must be a way to discuss ideas which are relevant for her from a perspective that is interesting for him.

The other key factor is considering your conversation partner as an equal, respecting their opinions and listening to them with the same attention that you expect in the other direction. If we insist on considering "them" and not "us" the communication attempts will always start with a limp. As for myself, I would gladly read whatever you have to say, on this topic or any other. I try to dump my mind in these lines, but I do not intend by any means to establish a dogma, because I am sure that I am making a lot of mistakes and would not like anyone to follow my advice to their own failure. At any rate, I hope you have a nice evening.