Growing up for the second (or third or fourth) time

It has frequently been said that one the most distinctive features of the human species is how helpless new-born babies are: whereas horses and sheep are perfectly able from the first day of their lives to stand up, inspect their surroundings and follow their mothers, some parts of this exercise can easily take two years for a human baby to master. If we add to the list of requirements the ability to communicate reasonably with other people, it becomes clear that the first stage of growth in humans, becoming a person functionally independent from their parents typically takes somewhere between five and ten years. By that time we are able to conduct most of the functions necessary for our own survival with the main exception of the procurement: we can feed ourselves when presented with food, dress ourselves when the clothes are selected for us, take care of our personal hygiene to a certain level and express our wishes and desires with acceptable clarity. This phase is normally labeled childhood, but it surprisingly only covers one half of the usual understanding of the term "growing up".

The second growth phase, which mostly covers the teenage years, transforms us from being able to survive to being able to procure for ourselves. It is the time for all kinds of academic and vocational training, preparing ourselves to preform a job which (hopefully) will allow us to sustain ourselves and, eventually our families. This phase concludes once the child reaches the status of adult, and its duration of this phase can vary very significantly depending on the expectations that the society has on the individuals: people aimed at manual labor can be ready for work at age 16, while scientists and layers will rarely be ready to join the labor force before they are 25 or more. And for most people this point is understood as the end of their growth, since they are aptly considered grownups. But this only means they are not physically growing (at least not in height, girth is a different story), but they keep evolving as they delve into their lives independent from their parents.

Photo: Tobias von der Haar

The third stage of growth (although this is a very personal classification) entails getting established in life. At the beginning of adulthood we find ourselves ready to "get out there" and start to provide for ourselves, frequently with a professional career delineated in our studies but with everything yet to be done: we have not demonstrated (or not in a continued way) our performance in the job and we do not have many responsibilities beyond taking care of ourselves. In fact in this period it is very easy to switch paths or even move to a different city if the job requires it, because we are (to use the economic term) unencumbered. During this period of growth we frequently acquire bigger responsibilities within our jobs or the whole new one of having a family to take care of, so that the freedom to switch jobs or pursue a different career is severely curtailed. And a non-negligible part of this growth is, in fact, being able to support ourselves without the assistance of our parents. During the 2008 financial crisis many people in their 30s and early 40s took such a heavy hit that they were forced to seek help from or even move back with their parents, with the corresponding portion of de-growth that it carries: many were stuck with bar tending or entry-level jobs, decided to postpone parenthood or were plagued by constant insecurity. And then, with more or less effort, most people managed to get back on their feet and become once again independent from their parents.

I am currently starting to feel the waves of the fourth stage of growth, which seems to be bringing about a kind of regression: from dependency of our parents we evolve to independence and, once we reach it, our parents start to become dependent on us. I have been living on my own for more that twenty years, grounded a family, moved far away and had quite a success in my career, and all of a sudden I am starting to worry about my parents and feeling "pulled back". It has been more than two years since I last visited my home town and although both of my parents are quite happy and healthy living their own lives at age 72, I cannot avoid the feeling that I should really start to take the chances to pay them a visit every now and then. Until recently almost anything that could come by was more important than visiting: it was a long drive or train ride and there were plenty of things that I should be doing with my vacation instead, but perhaps thanks to the corona virus pandemic and the long stretches of sheltering in place I have felt inclined to turn a bit back to my roots.

In a few weeks' time the kids will have the autumn holidays and I will take the chance to check on my parents. I have been thinking that I also need to check a few places in town that used to be important for me growing up, just to check if they are still the same or how they have changed. I am sure that there will be some reckoning after more than 20 years of only fleeting visits, but the drive is strong and I do not think I can supress it any longer. Stay posted for the outcome. Have a nice week.